


So goodbye everyone

by orphan_account



Series: And living in my head is just too much anymore [2]
Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: Depression, Suicide, sorry again i guess
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-05
Updated: 2015-12-05
Packaged: 2018-05-05 02:10:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 568
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5356985
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>And maybe this is too personal.<br/>Something that shouldn't be posted on a twitlonger like i'm doing.<br/>I mean it is a suicide note for christ's sake.<br/>But I couldn't leave the explaining to Ash and Luke again.<br/>It was hard enough doing it with Cal when there were three of us.</p>
            </blockquote>





	So goodbye everyone

**Author's Note:**

> Why does killing off people i look up to in my fanfictions stop me from hurting myself? It feels like it should do the oposite but whatever.  
> Anyways i know i said in the comments of the last one that i was working on an Ash sequel but greif is harder to write than depression so i ended up finishing this first. oh well

Why is everyone so focused on guilting other people into staying alive? If I don't want to live anymore why do I have to? Why are people so selfish that they try to keep people alive long after they've died in their own minds?

It's not fair.

Everyone thinks I've been getting better. I take my meds like a good little boy and don't talk about death as much as I used to and suddenly everyone thinks i'm fine.

I'm not fine.

But i'm ok with it I guess. Knowing that by the end of the night i'm not going to be breathing anymore. Knowing that after that i'm never going to see Luke's smile again. Or hear Ashton's relentless giggles.

Cal's been gone for ages.

At least a year I think.

I don't really know, time doesn't mean much anymore.

Was there something I could have done?

I did my best to help him.

But that day... that day i'd shuffled him off onto Luke. I'd decided that I needed a break from keeping him going. I'd hung on Ash even though I knew that he wasn't talking to Cal and that it was making him worse.

Why did I do that?

Why didn't I confront Ash when he first started fucking Cal up?

Why didn't I confront him that day?

Why'd I let Ash room with him that night?

Why?

Why?

Why?

I think I deserve to die.

I killed my best friend.

I left him alone when he needed me the most.

I never did ask him what was wrong. Never tried to discuss why he always needed to cling to me to make it through the day. Never confronted him when I heard him sneaking out night after night. Never did anything to show him that I cared. Or that he mattered.

Mattered to me.

Ash told me after.

Why he'd been avoiding Cal.

Who leaves someone that they love alone like that?

Who just drops someone on the ground right when they need them the most?

I do, I guess.

I left him.

And he jumped off a 20 story building.

I woke up that morning to the sirens from the ambulances arriving below.

To his body being taken away in an ambulance, sirens then turned off, because since when does a dead man need to be transported quickly?

There was a stain from his blood on the sidewalk when we left the hotel later that day.

It was bigger than Cal had been.

I couldn't understand how there could have been so much blood.

How can one person create a blood stain bigger than their body.

Maybe mine will be bigger than me as well.

I'm sorry that this is so graphic.

I didn't mean for it to be.

I just wanted to tell you all, any of you that are still here anyway, what happened with Cal.

And let you know how amazing you have been as fans.

Before I follow in his footsteps.

And maybe this is too personal.

Something that shouldn't be posted on a twitlonger like i'm doing.

I mean it is a _suicide note_ for christ's sake.

But I couldn't leave the explaining to Ash and Luke again.

It was hard enough doing it with Cal when there were three of us.

So goodbye everyone.

You were the best fans a band could have asked for.

\--Michael

 


End file.
